Monday, 20 June 2016

Grieving what I once was,

I try to not think too much about what my life use to be.

I was never one to feel the need to climb mountains or be a high flying corporate person, In actual fact I had never really thought about what my life should be like, all I knew was that I wanted to be healthy, happy, have money and a family, other than that I was happy to just cruise along in this thing called life.  It’s so true what people say, you really do have to appreciate and enjoy each cause you don’t know what is around the corner and I was about to find out in a big way!!!

It has become apparent that things have drastically changed in my life and this illness has taken away my ability to do many things – I don’t think it’s so much THE NOT DOING THINGS it’s how quickly the changes have happened.  Grief is such a powerful thing and whilst I haven’t lost anyone, I do feel that I have lost myself in the last 2 years.

Now as I have mentioned I never felt the need to climb mountains but I have always been a great walker, I could walk for hours at a time and would get enjoyment and pleasure from it, but looking back I wish I really did appreciate it more than a means to get from A to B and sometimes C.   I grieve the fact that I can no longer walk for long or walk without having someone hold me, to stop me from stumbling and it’s quite embarrassing when older people are overtaking me because I’m too slow.  I’m grieving for my ability to crouch or bend at the knees, I’m grieving for the person in the bunny suit which is actually me 4 years ago, I grieve for the moment when I wake up in the morning and not being consumed with pain or un-refreshed sleep, I grieve for my ability to think on my feet and be able to walk into a grocery store and no that I am there for a purpose, these days I find myself walking around aimlessly and not remembering what I’m there for, I grieve for the days when I didn’t need to have multiple lists – I have TO DO lists, I have MENU LISTS,  SHOPPING LISTS, DON”T FORGET TO DO A TO-DO LIST.  It’s frustrating that my memory is like a sieve and that I have trouble remembering words or putting sentences together, these days having a conversation with me is almost like a game of charades!!!!!

Some days I’m firing on all cylinders and those days I find that I’m quite accepting of my new normal but there are some days (not many) that I’m so pissed off that I have become a prisoner to my illness, but I think in accepting that this is what it is, my grieving for what I have lost is making way for what I do have which is a greater appreciation for what my body can do, I pace myself each day and in doing that I have started to appreciate my surroundings and life in general.  I like to think of myself as Naomi version 2 – bit battered and bruised but still goes alright :)  When my kids were growing up I found myself saying to them “Suck it up Princess” and I now find some days I chant this to myself.  Maybe I should go out and get myself a tiara so at least I look like a princess when I’m giving myself a talking to

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